This is one of the most common questions that my clients have asked themselves when they first come to see me. And if you are reading this, perhaps it's something you have wondered, too. In this blog post, I share my clinical experience of this dilemma from the past 15 years of working with a wide range of parents and families.
In this post, I use the term “neurodivergent” as an umbrella term to refer to a range of diagnoses that include autism, ADHD, intellectual impairments, giftedness, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, and Tourette’s Syndrome. However, I focus on autism and ADHD because these are the diagnoses that I find most commonly cause confusion for parents.
Which behaviours are parents concerned about?
Let’s start by understanding the most common types of differences parents have noticed in their children that tend to prompt seeking help:
Frequent and intense meltdowns or emotional dysregulation, often past the age that parents had expected
Difficulties that seem disproportionate related to managing change and transitions, or being told “no”
Difficulties in school, or alternatively a large disparity between how their child presents at school and how they are at home
Trouble with their child’s anger, irritation and/or aggressive behaviours towards others or themselves that may seem out of character
Anxiety that has started to get in the way of the child’s or family life
Difficulty joining in with activities that other children enjoy, or problems with maintaining friendships after initially making friends well
Sensory challenges (for example, picky or over-eating, problems with uncomfortable clothes, temperature regulation, issues with busy or echoey places or loud noises) that have started to become more prominent
Difficulty with following instructions, or "listening" to parents
Perfectionism, and seeing things in a black/white way
Situational mutism that persists past “shyness”, or alternatively problems moderating voice volume and interrupting
Behaviours like skin picking, chewing lips, chewing sleeves, hair sucking or pulling
A seemingly bottomless need for parental attention or support with play activities
Problems getting to or staying asleep
Often these behaviours can seem confusing. They may not be present all the time, and they may fluctuate over longer periods. They don't seem to form a coherent picture, especially alongside all the child's strengths.
If you have ever wondered about any of these, or other differences for your child, you are not alone. Read on to find out more about what often happens for parents when they notice these signs in their children.
What happens first in parents’ journey?
Parents often go on a journey back and forth in wondering whether their child may be different in some way.
Parents often consider a variety of explanations for the behaviours that they’ve noticed, and these may include:
It’s within the normal range for my child’s age: For example, we know that children's executive functioning doesn't fully develop until around age 25, and so emotional regulation, impulse control, and problem solving skills often seem under-developed in relation to their other abilities.
It’s because of a recent difficult experience, sibling's birth, ongoing stressors in the household, or another similar reason: We know that children's behaviour can be a communication for a variety of emotional states, and that children can take time to process their experiences, whether it be a short- or longer-term situation.
It’s just a phase, maybe they will grow out of it: This is all too true for so many aspects of childhood. Many of us find that as our children grow, we become more relaxed about the fact that many things simply pass over time.
This is my child’s personality, perhaps they are “highly sensitive” or an “orchid child”
Parents come across descriptions of different types of personality such as “highly sensitive children”, “orchid children”, or “deeply feeling kids” that seem to fit their child. For many parents this is a very helpful first step in acknowledging their child’s characteristics, understanding them, and accepting of the range of differences we find across human personalities.
These concepts can help parents to avoid the trap of self-blame that we explore below, because they honour the fact that while we know that parenting is a crucial “fertiliser” for our child, it cannot fundamentally change their seed and the type of flower they are. These ideas can provide a helpful “bridge” for the period of time when parents may be wondering about what is the best explanation for their child’s differences.
While we know that parenting is a crucial “fertiliser” for our child, it cannot fundamentally change their seed and the type of flower they are
However, there often comes a point where parents find themselves thinking that their child’s differences seem more obvious, or are leading to more challenges than they expected, and this is when parents may consider another explanation:
My child may be autistic or ADHD, or another neurodivergence.
Am I imagining that my child is neurodivergent?
Once this question comes into parents’ minds, my experience is that parents often spend an inordinate amount of time trying to decide whether they are imagining the differences they see in their child or not, before seeking more information, support or help.
Parents often experience a great deal of self-doubt and self-blame as part of this questioning process. They may additionally worry they have either caused or exacerbated their child’s behaviour. This process can result in thoughts like:
Am I imagining it?
Am I over-reacting?
Is my child different to other children or am I simply a less tolerant parent?
Is my child different or is my parenting simply not as effective as other people’s?
Or has my parenting actually caused the problems or differences that I notice? Is it a problem with our attachment relationship? Or have I taught them to behave "badly"?
Why can’t I seem to make any difference no matter how hard I try?
If my child is different, why does my child’s school (or other setting) seem to report a completely different picture to the one I see at home, and why does my child behave differently with different people (or even different parents)?
Am I making this all up because I’ve been reading too much about neurodivergence?
Am I making it up because I want an excuse for my parenting “mistakes”?
Do any of these ring a bell for you?
Why do parents blame and question themselves?
There are a number of factors that play a role in whether parents feel they can trust their instincts or whether they blame themselves. These include:
Stigma and society’s ideals for how children “should” act: parents feel guilty and ashamed if their child doesn’t fit this mould.
The polarised messages we receive on social media telling us we will “traumatise” our child if we do this, or that, that attachment relationships are fragile, and that we must get parenting exactly right, at exactly the right time.
Unfounded information that neurodivergence is “over-diagnosed”.
Our parents’ generation’s parenting style: parents often hear how their child’s behaviours “wouldn’t have been allowed in their day”, which suggests it’s a result of parenting choices.
The fact that many children “mask”their differences in different settings, or that differences are simply not noticed. This is common for many children, but especially for girls or those who may have a more internalised presentation of autism or ADHD. For example, children’s differences may be less obvious during the primary school years when they are somewhat protected from the more complex social, sensory and organisational environments and expectations of secondary school.
The narrative of those around us such as family members, especially grandparents, who may inadvertently “gaslight” parents and lead them to believe they are imagining things, or over-reacting. This may in part be due to the fact that neurodivergence tends to run in families and so these differences do seem “normal”. Nursery or school staff may often not have had training in spotting neurodivergence in more subtle cases.
Parents’ own upbringing, personality and the extent to which they tend to criticise or doubt themselves in other areas of their lives.
How does this play out in parenting couples?
Quite often, the stressful self-questioning process is all the more difficult because parents may have different views to their co-parent about the significance of the differences they notice, the underlying reason for these differences, and also how to handle or respond to them.
Parents often disagree on how to “fix the problem”. One parent may feel the “solution” is to be more strict, while the other may feel the answer is to be more accommodating. However, neither option seems to help consistently. Then, because there is conflict in the parenting couple and also because neither parent feels confident in the “right” approach, their responses become inconsistent, and they then worry that it’s the inconsistency that’s the problem.
Parents often disagree on how to “fix the problem”. One parent may feel the “solution” is to be more strict, while the other may feel the answer is to be more accommodating
Parents then feel constantly stressed and doubtful about the decisions they are making. This means their nervous systems are on a hair trigger and so they may be more likely to have an emotional reaction at any sign that their approach hasn’t “worked” (i.e. their child’s differences remain). They then feel guilty, and worry that their dysregulation is what’s causing their child’s behaviour.
When considering seeking an assessment with a professional, one parent is usually more worried than the other about “labelling” their child. They may have concerns around setting something in stone that may change as the child gets older; about the stigma of a diagnosis and being pre-judged by others; and sometimes about a diagnosis giving children an “excuse” for their behaviour. These concerns can understandably impact on parents’ support-seeking process. I am busy writing another blog post to address these questions.
So, when do parents seek help?
I often find that parents can get stuck trying to assess their child in their own minds, in order to help them decide whether to seek professional support.
Parents are often worried they will be dismissed by services saying they have imagined their child’s differences, or worse, blamed for them. These are not empty concerns, because this has happened to many neurodivergent families. So, parents understandably try to match their child up to diagnostic criteria and descriptions first in order to guide their decision-making.
However, this is fraught with difficulties. Parents may be unsure about whether their child needs to match all the criteria all of the time. Stereotypical narratives are often confusing for parents, such as that all autistic people struggle with eye contact (they don’t) or empathy (they may actually be hyper-empathetic); don’t have friendships (highly inaccurate) or need a strict routine (not everyone!).
We know our children inside out and all their strengths and rich personalities will never be represented by a pen-sketch of someone else
Accounts of other neurodivergent people can be useful in terms of understanding how diagnostic criteria can look “in real life”, but at the same time, everyone is different and so our child will never sound exactly like what we read. We know our children inside out and all their strengths and rich personalities will never be represented by a pen-sketch of someone else.
Rather than try to figure this out themselves, I usually recommend that parents – when and if they are ready – seek a gold-standard ssessment from a qualified clinician (or preferably, a team). Having an assessment does not change our child, it will only describe what is already there.
Many of the diagnostic criteria for autism and ADHD are nuanced and it takes years of training and experience to assess accurately, particularly with internalised presentations, people who meet criteria for more than one diagnosis, or in high-masking people.
The assessment team can formulate what the best explanation is for their child’s differences – which may or may not be neurodivergence.
What happens next in parents’ journeys?
It is important to clearly acknowledge that it is usually not “either or” in terms of parenting style versus neurodivergence. We know that having a neurodivergent child hugely impacts on the way we parent our children, and on how we feel about the way we parent our children. And vice versa, that the way we parent our children impacts how they feel and behave, and that specific parenting approaches can be needed for neurodivergent children.
Parents often want to see whether changing their parenting affects their child’s behaviour first. After a holistic psychological assessment of the family's current situation, I usually work with parents in a number of ways.
These can include tweaking their parenting approach and helping them better understand their child's behaviours and emotions, as well as their strengths. This helps parents feel more confident and less doubtful of their responses to their child, and therefore less guilty. I often work with both parents, to help them feel more on the same page.
I frequently work with parents on their confidence in emotionally regulating themselves during difficult moments, which can be one of the most difficult aspects of parenting.
We may also explore how their past experiences are impacting their current experience of being a parent, and whether they have queries about their own neurodivergence. Parenting as a neurodivergent parent can add another layer of complexity to the picture - and you can read more about this in one of my other blog posts.
It is not “either or” in terms of parenting style versus neurodivergence. We know that having a neurodivergent child hugely impacts on the way you parent your child, and vice versa.
During or after our work together, my clinical experience is that parents do tend to go on to pursue a formal assessment for their child from an independent service (i.e. not me). Often (but not always) their child does receive a diagnosis of autism or ADHD, or both.
I believe this is for a few different reasons:
If it was a phase, the child would have “grown out of it” before parents seek help, because parents tend to wait quite a long time to check this out before contacting a professional.
If the child’s differences were more akin to personality traits, they would be less likely to cause the level or complexity of difficulty and questioning that leads parents to seek professional help and support.
When the child’s differences are related to a more singular mental health difficulty, such as anxiety, parents are often less conflicted because it seems to make more “sense”. This means they have usually sought help earlier, and been able to support their child with resources such as books or the support of school or a child therapist.
If the child’s difficulties were really the result of “bad parenting”, it is highly unlikely that the parent would be seeking help from a psychologist in the private sector. Parents who parent in a way that can cause significant behavioural differences in their child are unlikely to be aware of their impact on their child, and tend not to be the ones spending time, energy and money on how to be a better parent.
Attachment difficulties significant enough to cause the level of challenges needed to motivate a parent to seek help are reasonably rare, except in cases of trauma, abuse and neglect. On the other hand, neurodivergence is not rare. It's common, and more common than we previously thought.
If their child’s differences were due to parenting approach, parents would see more significant changes after changing their parenting.
Of course, this blog cannot tell you whether your child is neurodivergent or not. But fundamentally, my experience tells me that parents tend to have good instincts and know their child.
Despite all the doubts, parents who feel their children are differently wired are usually right.
Where can I find further information and support?
If the issues or dilemmas raised in this blog resonate with you, you might be looking for what to do next.
Parenting strategies & parental regulation
You may be thinking about how best you can support your child and feel more confident in your parenting.
If you are interested in having a flexible toolkit of healthy, effective evidence-based parenting strategies (that are tailored for both neurodivergent AND neurotypical kids), alongside techniques to help you develop your emotional regulation and wellbeing as a parent, The Guilty Parent Club could be right for you.
More cost and time effective than 1:1 sessions, with the added bonus of hearing from other parents experiencing the same struggles as you, parents give it stellar feedback and 100% feel less guilty and more confident. Find out more and book your spot here.
Parent community support
If you are neurodivergent yourself, or wondering if you may be, you might find the supportive community in The Neurodivergent Parent Space helpful.
The Space is there to help you find your tribe of neurodivergent parents, as well as monthly trustworthy expert information around neurodivergent parenting.
1:1 support
If you would like to explore and reflect on whether you or your child might be neurodivergent before you move towards a formal assessment, this is something I often discuss with parents, alongside thinking about parenting approaches.
I do not offer child assessments online and so there is no pressure from me to decide one way or the other. I do offer adult autism and ADHD screening and assessments online, but find that parents often prefer an informal exploration first, often as part of wider work around your wellbeing and identity as a parent.
Online information
If you are exploring these topics online, here are some trusted websites with more information and resources to explore about neurodivergence, autism and ADHD:
I hope this article has given you some food for thought if you are navigating similar questions about yourself, your child or family. Please feel free to leave a comment below if you found it useful.
I'm Dr Jo Mueller, a British clinical psychologist specialised in working with parents around parenting and mental health, and neurodivergence.
You can follow me on Instagram @drjothepsychologist for regular tips for parents.
You can follow me and my colleagues @theneurodiversitypractice for more neurodiversity content for parents.
If you'd like to work with me 1:1, you can book a free 15 minute consultation here.
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